in which I briefly touch on my body issues

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

This is so awkward- I've literally started this over three times now. 

I have no idea how I feel about my body. 

Let me just say that this is not a thinly-veiled request for compliments. Don't get me wrong, I love it when people say nice things to me, but now is not one of those times. 

I just..I don't even know. I regard my physical appearance with a mixture of apprehension and confusion.

For one, I cannot remember what I look like.
The way my brain processes visual information simply does not allow that to happen.
I can describe myself on paper very easily- my waist to hip ratio will always be drastically different from my waist to bust ratio, my middle and pinky toes point into each other, there is a scar on my bottom lip, a birthmark on my right forearm, a freckle on my left cheekbone, less eyelashes on my right eyelid, etc, etc, etc. I know all that. I can visualize each of those statements as they actually appear on my body. However, I cannot string them together in a way that I can remember. And because of that, each time I look in the mirror I'm genuinely surprised by what I see. Ultimately this oddity proves more uncomfortable than anything else: I can't look at myself for any period of time without feeling like I'm having a staring contest with a stranger. It's just...uncomfortable. There is no other way to say it. Anyone who's ever witnessed my getting ready may recall that I cannot do so without cocking my head slightly to the side; I do this because I feel it gives me a more nonobjective, disembodied viewpoint that makes so much mirror bonding time possible.

This is what I look like today- you know, slightly cropped and from an angle.

Furthermore, this also applies to other people- I'm great with names, but I can't remember faces for the life of me. If I really like you, or if I'm attracted to you, I can generally commit one feature to memory for recognition purposes, but that's about it.

I'm also never sure if I'm "pretty" or not. This is in part because of my having been raised in several drastically different cultures: what some people consider the socially acceptable standard of beauty, many others do not. Additionally, I've come to learn that when someone says you're pretty, they are rarely stating a fact- in most cases they want something in return. That is no longer an exchange I care to engage in.

I've also noticed that most appearance compliments are based off of fluctuating features- a hair cut, a weight loss- and that also confuses me. Am I supposed to like myself better now? Or before? Do I want to lose more weight? Or grow more hair? Which parts of myself am I supposed to hate? Which parts am I supposed to like?

And then there's the inside of my body- a collection of organs and bones and blood all libel to fail at any given moment, topped off by a chemically imbalanced brain I've never trusted. I feel like a machine that can only function when properly balanced, and that balance is so hard to maintain that I'm falling apart more often than not. Even though that may be the case, I'm still amazed at what it can accomplish.

This is what my stomach looks like today- you know, slightly cropped and from an angle. Softness and scars included, I'm pretty pleased with what it does. 

So I guess what I'm saying is this: I have a body. It baffles and overwhelms me on a daily basis. So while I don't have a favourite part of it in particular, I'm glad it's there.

in which I am back in Africa

 

Last look at Europe.

There's something indescribably emotional about airplane rides for me. 

Well, not indescribable.   Just complicated.

Because every flight, no matter how short, has to encompass the entire process of mourning the place you are leaving, and swallowing down the apprehension you feel towards your destination. 

I've had a lot of panic attacks on planes, but not because I'm scared of flying.

Ultimately this one wasn't so bad until about ten minutes before landing, when I kind of lost it. 

Me: Dude. We're about to land. In Africa.

Me: Uh, yeah, I know.

Me:WHY. WHY WHY. 

Me: Because we live there....?

Me: LET'S NOT LIVE THERE ANYMORE. LET'S GO BACK TO UTAH.

Me: Uh, no. That would be a poor life choice right now.

Me: NO IT WOULDN'T IT WOULD BE GREAT A GREAT LIFE CHOICE OF GREATNESS

Me: I'm sorry, do you have a job in Utah?

Me: No...

Me: Or a husband?

Me:....no.....

Me: Or a bed?

Me: well, not exactly..

Me: THEN HUSH YO FACE.

Me: But Africa is bad! It's trying to kill us!

Me: Well THAT is not a rational thought..

Me: KILLLLL USSSSSSS

Me: That's an unreasonable number of consonants. Get a hold of yourself. 

Me: EVERY TIME WE GO THERE BAD STUFF GOES DOWN.

Me: Oh, that doesn't mean anything. This time will be different!

Me: What is it they say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results...?

Me: You're having a fight with yourself and you want to question my mental stability right now? Really?

Me: Well....LET'S JUST TURN THE PLANE AROUND. 

Me: That's impossible.

Me: [string of expletives]!!

Me: [string of expletives]?

Me: [expletive]!

Me: [expletive].

Jumping ahead to the end of this feelings-fueled Gollum freakfest, I'm back in Africa. 

The trip wasn't that bad, actually. While AirFrance seems to be the chosen airline of the French hipsters (ew.) they also have a spectacular cinematic library, so I watched a crapton of movies, including Looper (so intense!) Hitchcock (so adorable!) and The Silver Linings Playbook, which I actually did not think I'd like. I was kind of anticipating it to be J Law as the manic pixie dream girl  who rescues Bradley Cooper with like, bubbles. Or whatever. I'm kind of super over manic pixie dream girls. 

But that wasn't how it went down, so that was good. I can't think of any way to convey how much I loved this movie without giving the whole thing away, so...I don't know, guys. But now I really want to know if all bipolar people chuck books with stupid endings, or if it's just me and Bradley Cooper..?

I'm sure it's normal. 

in which there are pictures of the Mutterland

So on the off-chance you don't follow my every move on facebook, this is what's been going down for the past two months:

In January I got sick. Really sick.
As I've mentioned before, I have a delicate lady tummy and a delicate butterfly immune system, so it wasn't a huge cause to worry in the beginning. After about a week or so, though, I couldn't eat food or stand up so much anymore, so I figured I'd check in with the health unit. Basically all my organs were going to crap. So I had an emergency-ish appendectomy in Dakar, very much against my will. (NEVER HAVE SURGERY IN A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY). I did not get better. At one point I thought my intestines had turned to liquid and were coming out of my incision, which is TMI, I know, and what happens when you get a bad infection at a surgery site. So the health unit patched that up. And I did not get better. Eventually my darling mother and I medevac'ed to Germany, where it turned out my organs were still going to crap and I also had a parasite and also cancer.
So. That was mildly terrifying.
But then I had more surgery and a crap ton of meds and lost 30 pounds and now I'll probably live for twenty years or more.
(Also: if you think 20 years is a short amount of time, bear in mind that's literally the length of my life minus one year, so to me it seems like infinity. And I'm pretty psyched about that.)

Oh! And we also learned that when you take me off the cray cray pills and put me on an excess of percocet, I end up doing my velociraptor impression through the aisles of a convenience store at night. I am such a wildly good time, guys. 

So that's pretty much what happened there.

Anyways, that was really just my transition into what's really important, namely, the fact that we've been in Germany for almost six weeks.

My relationship with Germany is complicated to explain. By my father's definition, which necessitates being born and graduating from highschool in that place, I am "from" here.  However, saying I am from Germany is an inaccurate statement, in my opinion. While I speak decent German, and went to German school,  love German food and the German people, I've really only lived on American bases- which we affectionately refer to as "little America." However, I hold more emotional ties to this country than I do any other, including the one printed on my passport.

I was watching something once- couldn't tell you what now if I wanted to- where the pretentious ex-pat character said that America was their country, but Paris was their hometown.
Horribly pretentious, right?
Now that I'm old and wise and have spent more than a consecutive year or two in my home country, I kind of get it.
America is my country, but Deutschland ist meine Mutterland.

So that being said, here are a ton of pictures of our brief outing to Stuttgart. They're mostly of food, because I love food and people the most, but neglected to tell anyone we were coming.
Sorry about that, friends in the Stu. I was all full of radiation and you really shouldn't have spent time with me, anyways. I'm sorry. I love you?

 

In our family, if you get a vaccine without crying you can have a candy bar. If you get cancer and two surgeries and a parasite and only cry four times you get to go wild at the Ritter Sport factory.

 

Field between the base and Plingingen- home to lots of walking and filming and biking and other various activities. 

 

 Two of my favourite theaters in town- the SI and Kelley.

 

One of my many bus stops.

 

I have lived longer in this one building than I have anywhere else in my whole long life. 

 Outside the Imbiss

 

Getting an Elizabeth burger, AKA the best burger EVARRR. It features potato patties and chocolate sauce. <3<3<3

 

Favourite couch in the library. On which I have never been reprimanded for PDA. Ever.

Reading the Domino Book of Decorating (again) in the teen section of the library, aka my home away from home in high school. 

 

Store within walking distance of my Realschule that turned a blind eye to kids cutting class.

BEST gelato- extra dark chocolate, cherry vanilla and lemon. Under appreciated by both of these weirdos.

 Exhibiting six times more enthusiasm than I did the entire time I went to school here.

Nanu Nana!

 Engaging in the sacred ritual that is Noodling.

 

Falafel!

 

Basically the Mecca of toys. 

 

An army of Bessie the Cows.

 

Playing in the toy store.

 

Schlossplatz.

 Maultaschen

 STARBUCKSSSS

 

Attempting to consume my body weight in Frappucino. 

 A Farewell to Stuttgart.

.

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

I don't like this game. I've never liked this game. Because in my mind, the rule of this game is that you can only project into the future based off of where you are in the present- as if nothing in your life were to change but the progression of time. You can't give yourself dream jobs you aren't preparing for. You can't pretend that you're simply going to wake up ten years in the future well-adjusted and happy if you aren't right now.  So usually, when I answer these questions, my responses lean towards the bleaker side of the spectrum- clearly, I'm not exactly what you'd call optimistic. 

But while I usually- and generously- describe myself as a realist, tonight all my thoughts are solidly negative. 
I guess that's what happens when you have to stop taking your crazy pills. And then you get cancer. 

Tonight I wonder if there will be 15 more years. 


So here's what's going to happen instead:

I'm going to write something in this blog, because....because. Tomorrow I'm going to go to the hospital. Maybe again the day after that, and the week after that. I'm going to get better, lots and lots and lots of better. In a few months I'll move to SLC and live in a cheap, meaning crappy, apartment. I'll find a job that doesn't involve being yelled at all day, I'll finish my degree. I'll make friends. Lots of friends. I'll go to concerts and clubs and potlucks and parties. I'll get another job- a better one, one with people and pretty dresses. There will be bad days. There will be good days. There will be a boy who calls me pretty and laughs at my jokes and wants to hold my hand just all of the time. When we get married, I will wear my mother's dress and my hair will look great in the pictures. We will laugh a lot and we will dance in the kitchen.  We will have four children. The first girl will have my middle name. We'll move- maybe to Boston, give our children an accent and a baseball team. I'll paint the kitchen yellow and the living room blue. There will still be dancing- always dancing. There will be church on Sunday and fireworks on the fourth of July. There will still be bad days and hard times- but in the end, we'll be furiously happy. 

And that is what's going to happen.

Because that is what has to happen. 

In which I return from a month of radio silence to talk about eating cake naked.

New Rule: Anytime you switch crazy pills, you get to take a month long break from blogging. 
And on that note, I feel better than I have in years, so YIPPY KI YAY MOTHER-F...riends and visitors. 

25. If you could have a dinner party with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

Okay, why is this such a common question? I mean, I get that it's supposed to reveal what your ambitions and interests are by the people you select, but why a dinner party? Have ya'll ever thrown a dinner party for strangers before? They totally suck.

Granted, a few of you may be thinking to yourselves "But I totally met you at a dinner party you threw!" and for you I present the following two questions: 1) did you sit on the floor and 2) did you eat some sort of mix-based soup as the main course? The answer to both of those questions is undoubtedly yes , and therefore it was not a proper dinner party. 

Also, there's a big difference between having strangers over for dinner and having strangers over for a dinner party. I'd delve deeper into that particular intricacy, but on behalf of my country, I won't. 

So I'm changing the question. Dinner Party's out.  Instead, let's do Saturday Brunch, but at like 2.30 PM because I like my sleep.  And I'm only inviting the currently living, because I do not want to spend the whole time explaining Iphones to Joan of Arc, amiright? So that being said, here's my guest list:


Brittany Gibbons, because I think she's hilarious, and I love the work she does to promote healthy body image, and she makes me excited to be a mom, and I think we'd be excellent friends.
Jenny Lawson, because I think she's hilarious, and I love the writing she does to help combat the mental illness stigma, and I think we'd bond over our mutual love of awesomely named cats. 
Elna Baker, because I think she's hilarious, and I loved her book so much that I passed it around like the village bicycle in high school, and we'd have great chats about sex and Mormonism and theater and being raised all over the world. 
(On that note, ya'll should read her book, it's just pages and pages of INSIGHT INTO MY LIFE, really.)
Lena Dunham, because I think she's hilarious, and so talented it makes me cry inside. But mostly because anyone who eats entire cakes naked in bathroom stalls before the Emmys is someone I want to be friends with. Naked cake eating is where it's at, my friends. 

And because the table reservation is leaning towards "Ovaries, party of five," I'd also invite Ryan Gosling, because...because...

Because look at that face, that's why.

BUT I would still only make reservations for five people, so when we got there, they'd be all like "Oh no! We will have to  find you another table!" and I'd be all like, "It's okay, don't worry guys, I'll just sit on Ryan's lap, problem solved." Also that way, if  Ryan turned out to be a particularly dull conversationalist, whenever he started to speak I would delicately place a single finger on his lips and say "Shhhh, sweetie, shhhhh."

Side note: I'm secretly deeply worried that Ryan Gosling is an idiot. I don't think he is, but the slight possibility is very concerning to me, because no matter how beautiful he is about three months into our relationship I'd just be very fed up with him all the time, and our conversations would start to sound like this:

 Me: "Ryan. It is so cold in here, I am freezing. In fact, if you notice, I am shivering like a delicate baby bird."

Ryan: "Baby, if you're a bird, I'm a bir-"

Me: "SHUT THE HELL UP, RYAN."

And no one wants that. 

Oh, and I'd also invite Kyle because that kid is my favourite, obviously.

So that's my fantasy brunch guest list, and I assume we'd all eat pancakes and bacon and drink mimosas, except for me, I would drink chocolate milk.

The End.

in which there is poorly shot iphone video

So...it's been an interesting week. And by interesting, I mean ROLLER COASTER OF FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS, and switching meds, and realizing once again that my brain is, as Jenny Lawson so eloquently puts it: "A g*dd*mn mess up there."
(I censor because I love you, delicately eyeballed sister, and for no other reason.)

Basically, I've been absent from the blogging world because I've been too busy stress-eating, and stress-dancing, and stress-painting.

If you think this is bad, you should see the dancing. 

However, as I spent most of this morning engaged in an involuntary feelings-purging nap, I think things are under control again. Also, if you've never taken an feelings-purging nap, you should get on that. Or don't get on that. Sleep is a bitter form of refuge. Your call. Moving on. 

Anyway, as I don't yet feel capable of saying anything new or interesting, I'll give you some video clips I took on my phone on the drive into work yesterday. It's really impossible to tell what's going on without being told beforehand, so I shall enlighten you: There is a stretch of beach I'd say is maybe the length of a football field called "University beach" where all the Senegalese dudes work out, apparently. Basically they all run back and forth on this same stretch of beach. Sometimes it gets to the point where there are literally hundreds of them, running back and forth over the span of about 100 yards. Which wouldn't be so weird, were it not for the fact that they literally have MILES AND MILES of beach available to them, and they pick this stretch. Oh, Senegalese. You so silly. 

They also have a weight lifting area where they pick up tires and stuff. It's like the Dakar version of Muscle Beach. They've recently acquired a nautilis-type weight machine, rumored to having been dumped there by the special forces in the middle of the night, which they haven't quite figured out how to use yet.  It's great. 

Also if you listen closely you can hear my dad explaining the finer points of Apocalypse Now, so...Bonus!

TIA, body builders, TIA. 

in which I give the gift of cookies

For many of us, this week is finals week.
What this means for me is that I'm splitting my time into 1 part studying and approx. 8 parts hating myself.
Next week I'll spend registering and unregistering for classes while weeping uncontrollably.

College, holla!

So today I'd like to talk to you all concerning the ultimate comfort food, too often neglected this time of year, frequently replaced by horrible grocery-store replacements.

Friends, I'm talking about the chocolate chip cookie.

I had five of these for breakfast.

GOOD MORNING, I AM EATING MY FEELINGS.

There is an odd phenomena I have noticed among my food-eating fellow humans. Everyone believes that they have the best recipe and method for cooking 1) a steak and 2) chocolate chip cookies. 

Now, I'm not saying my pan seared in garlic butter steak is the best. It's pretty good, but I'll allow for the possibility that you can make one better. 

However, I've been making these cookies since I was six. They are the best. There is no doubt in my mind. And I have eaten a LOT of cookies over the years. 

They are always chewy. They have like, this slight carmel-y thing going on. Also, chocolate. 

If you're wondering why I haven't made these for you personally over the years, the answer is because I'm lazy. But now, as I grow old, I am once again awakening my cooking skills in the hopes to add another charm to my trophy wife bracelet. To be clear, I do not actually own a trophy wife charm bracelet, nor am I sure that such a thing exists, but now I totally want one. I'd use it to seduce men, probs. 

Anyways, because it's Christmas, because I love you, and because there's no way I'm the only one who needs to drown her sorrows in calories right now, here is the recipe. 

I've doubled it, and doubled it makes about three dozen cookies the size of your head. If you think you need less than three dozen head-sized cookies, it may be time for us to re-evaluate our friendship. 

THE BEST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES OF ALL TIME FOREVER.

FOR. EV. ER. 

ingredients:

2 cups butter

2 cups white sugar

2 cups brown sugar

1 tbs vanilla

4 eggs

4 1/2 cups flour

1 tsp salt

2 tsp baking soda

2 bags (24 oz) chocolate chips- usually I'm all like, MILK CHOCOLATE BIZNATCHES, but these are so sweet you probably want to go with semi sweet, or even dark chocolate.  Your call, though. I trust you guys. 

directions:

Okay, first you should put on your june cleaver  apron equivalent to protect your clothes and make you feel like a lady. If you're a dude, you should do the man version of this. I still haven't made my  mind up as to what that is, but it is not taking your shirt off. Friends, just say no to topless oven work. The scars of the second degree burns on my stomach agree with me. So I'm thinking the manly version may be a tool belt looking contraption, but again, it's really your call.

Next, put your butter in a larger-sized saucepan and melt it. As soon as it shows signs of browning, throw in all of your sugar. Feel like Paula Deen. Stir. Remove the pan from the heat and set aside. 

In a small bowl, combine your eggs and vanilla, then whisk them together.  Set aside. 

In a big bowl, combine all of your dry ingredients, stir. 

By this time your butter sugar concoction should have cooled some. You're probably already eating it with a spoon. Stop doing that. It gets better, I promise.  Go ahead and throw your eggs/vanilla business in there, mix that in as well as you can. 

Now you can add your sugary goodness concoction to your flour. Stir it up. Stop eating it with your fingers, you won't have enough for your cookies. Add in your chocolate chips. Eat a little more of it with your fingers. 

At this point, you're supposed to put it in the fridge for an hour so it can harden up a little. I don't have that kind of patience, so I say chuck it in the freezer for the duration of a How I Met Your Mother episode  and pre-heat your oven to 375. 

Then you go ahead and plop your cookies onto an UN-GREASED sheet. I use a melon baller because, again, I like mine-head sized, but it's up to you. In theory you cook them for ten minutes, but if you have a janky third world oven/ obscenely large cookies, it may end up being more like fifteen. Basically, the moment you can scrape them off the pan with a spatula in one piece, they are done. 

Finally, eat the cookies until you feel better about your life or throw up. Whichever comes first, really. 

aaaaand you're done!

YOU ARE WELCOME, PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET.