Ladies and Gentlemen, for the first time in two weeks I can say with the upmost certainty that my hair is clean.
Before ya'll get too grossed out, please remember that I broke my foot at the Marine Ball Saturday before last and have had a ghetto cast on my foot since then.
Here's a visual reminder for you. The cast is the bit that looks like it's growing out of my shoulder.
Anyways, since then I've pretty effectively been lazing about, because crutches are REALLY HARD YOU GUYS. And before you start thinking back to the time when you had crutches and were just fine, in fact you could to handstands on them, gee aren't crutches fun, I would like to raise the following two questions to you:
1) Do you currently have the upper body strength of a woodland squirrel? By that, I do not mean the amount of upper body strength proportional to the amount that a squirrel has, I mean do you have the upper body strength of a lil' tiny baby squirrel in your human sized upper body?
2) Are your balancing skills on par with that of a broken weeble wobble, aka, a weeble that wobbles and then falls down and can't get up?
If you answered "no" to either of those questions, then please hush your mouth because you obviously don't know my problems.
As I was saying, my hair has been super grody [spellcheck says "grody" isn't a word, I'm still going with it] since then. To be clear, I've still been washing it- though I did throw around the idea of no bathe November, because I hate your facial hair and think you should be punished for it- but no matter how you cut it, washing your hair while straddling a bath tub while trying to keep six towels wrapped around your leg is just not that effective. This has also led to my having to explain a whore's bath to my mother. She did not find the title amusing.
However, today I was particularly depressed and whatnot, going through my mental list of things that usually cheer me up (by this point I had already watched grey's anatomy and cuddled a cat, so those were out) and I decided that the time had come for my hair to be thoroughly cleansed. Because clean soft silky hair cheers everybody up, my friends.
So, I took off my cast.
Before you freak out, it's not a full cast. It's like, three quarters of a cast plus multiple ace bandages. Though my Dr was all like, you still can't walk on it, and I was like, I wouldn't dream of it, and he was like, I just saw you walking on it like five seconds ago and I was like, yeah, but that was the part of my foot that ISN'T broken, and he was like...sigh....
Honestly though, the man moved my crutches and then expected me to sit still for twenty minutes without getting my book. I didn't have any other options, if you think about it.
Anyways, I took off my cast, it hurt like crap, my leg looks super janky, I did not take pictures. There's also this super sketch bruise around the base of my toes that makes them look like they are about to fall off- is that normal? I'm too chicken to google it.
AND THEN I TOOK THE MOST LOVELY SHOWER OF ALL THE SHOWERS IN THE LAND.
Ordinarily I'd actually classify it as a pretty mediocre shower, also I kinda slammed my broken foot down, so that hurt, but still. GLORIOUS. Exfoliating and singing songs that degrade women and everything. Side note, I sing really offensive songs in the shower, I do not know why I do this, also I have mad rapping skills.
(Drop it drop it low, girl)
So the moral of this story is that my hair has been thoroughly washed, and now looks like this:
Shower fresh hair and crutches. This is my life now.
As I was taking my shower of all showers, and enjoying my squeaky clean hair, I marveled at my own grooming prowess and decided to bequeath you all with my beauty wisdom.
So without further ado, here is Lissa's guide to washing your hair properly:
1) Don't do it.
For reals, you are probably washing your hair wayyyy too often. Even if yo stanky self needs to shower twice a day, every day (also bad for your skin, nbd) you do NOT need to wash your hair that many times. At the most, you should probably be washing your hair about three times a week- if you think your hair would be a total grease ball by doing this, you're probably wrong. It's very likely that your hair is over producing oil to compensate for the over washing you are currently forcing it through. Wash it less. Your hair will adapt.
Ideally, though, you should wait as long as humanly possible to wash your hair, like that one week when you decided you couldn't stand your roommates and played musical beds and wore a lot of hats until you finally had the place to yourself long enough to deep condition (college, amiright?) No, but seriously, wait. Throw some baby powder around up there, nobody will know the difference.
Baby powder.
Also, I've started wearing a sports bra and running shorts all the time.
It makes me look sporty.
It also helps me not flash people when I fall down on my crutches.
Which I do like six times a day.
This picture caption is ridiculously long.
2) Shampoo the crap outta your crap.
Fun fact: you only need to shampoo the roots of your hair. If you're shampooing anymore than that, you are wasting product and money. Speaking of money, go buy yourself some nice shampoo and conditioner, guys. You're now only washing half of your hair, and you're doing it half as often, ergo you're using 1/4 of the product and can afford to buy shampoo four times as expensive that will actually make your hair look nice.
The best shampoo money can buy!....at walmart. I'm still poor, guys.
Also, get yourself a really big box of baking soda. I'm pretty sure there is nothing baking soda can't do. It's got like 15 different uses as a beauty product alone, it's awesome. If you like your hair super clean, shampoo your hair twice: the first time you should combine equal amounts of baking soda and shampoo into a glorious hair cleaning paste. It's super awesome at removing product buildup and campfire smell and the beer that got spilled in your hair and other stuff that usually requires multiple showers.
Here is a huge box of baking soda!
3) Condition your crap.
Fun fact: you only need to condition the ends of your hair, your natural oil takes care of your roots. So basically, slather a ton of that in your hair, comb it through, pull it back if your hair is long enough, do other shower things. Shave your legs. Wash your face with your baking soda (double points if you use a sonic brush). Sing the real slim shady. You know. Regular people stuff.
Once you're done with your other shower stuff, rinse it out. Marvel at the smoothness. Ideally, you should rinse it out with ice cold water to close the cuticle of your hair, but I know some of you are babies and won't do that. I pretty much take cold showers to begin with because they're super energizing, and because I did swim team for years and years which means I'm hardcore and impervious to cold water, basically.
Also, get yourself a jug of apple cider vinegar. It's like two dollars. Like baking soda, it also has a bajillion uses as a beauty product- but don't try to combine the two to try and save time, trust me, I'm speaking from experience. Anyways, to make your hair super shiny and soft, mix about 2 tbs with 1/4 cup of water, rinse your hair with it once you're done with your conditioner. It's awesome and you won't smell like a salad, I promise.
Here is a huge bottle of vinegar!
Also I've quit putting on makeup because it's too much standing.
4) Bonus step- Deep condition your conditioned crap.
Like once a week, dump like a fistful of deep conditioner in your dry hair and sleep in it. Your hair will be silky silky silky. I use orjon oil because I freaked out and splurged on it after I bleached my hair and fried the ends this summer. In all honesty, coconut oil works just as well and smells a heck of a lot better.
I was going to take a picture of my deep conditioner but it's all the way in the other room.
Here's a sample size bottle of hair spray! It's so cute!
Thus concludes my guide to hair washing. Maybe next week I'll teach you to put on chapstick, or something equally as mundane.
