Saturday, January 12, 2013

In which I return from a month of radio silence to talk about eating cake naked.

New Rule: Anytime you switch crazy pills, you get to take a month long break from blogging. 
And on that note, I feel better than I have in years, so YIPPY KI YAY MOTHER-F...riends and visitors. 

25. If you could have a dinner party with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

Okay, why is this such a common question? I mean, I get that it's supposed to reveal what your ambitions and interests are by the people you select, but why a dinner party? Have ya'll ever thrown a dinner party for strangers before? They totally suck.

Granted, a few of you may be thinking to yourselves "But I totally met you at a dinner party you threw!" and for you I present the following two questions: 1) did you sit on the floor and 2) did you eat some sort of mix-based soup as the main course? The answer to both of those questions is undoubtedly yes , and therefore it was not a proper dinner party. 

Also, there's a big difference between having strangers over for dinner and having strangers over for a dinner party. I'd delve deeper into that particular intricacy, but on behalf of my country, I won't. 

So I'm changing the question. Dinner Party's out.  Instead, let's do Saturday Brunch, but at like 2.30 PM because I like my sleep.  And I'm only inviting the currently living, because I do not want to spend the whole time explaining Iphones to Joan of Arc, amiright? So that being said, here's my guest list:

Brittany Gibbons, because I think she's hilarious, and I love the work she does to promote healthy body image, and she makes me excited to be a mom, and I think we'd be excellent friends.

Jenny Lawson, because I think she's hilarious, and I love the writing she does to help combat the mental illness stigma, and I think we'd bond over our mutual love of awesomely named cats. 
Elna Baker, because I think she's hilarious, and I loved her book so much that I passed it around like the village bicycle in high school, and we'd have great chats about sex and Mormonism and theater and being raised all over the world. 
(On that note, ya'll should read her book, it's just pages and pages of INSIGHT INTO MY LIFE, really.)
Lena Dunham, because I think she's hilarious, and so talented it makes me cry inside. But mostly because anyone who eats entire cakes naked in bathroom stalls before the Emmys is someone I want to be friends with. Naked cake eating is where it's at, my friends. 

And because the table reservation is leaning towards "Ovaries, party of five," I'd also invite Ryan Gosling, because...because...

Because look at that face, that's why.

BUT I would still only make reservations for five people, so when we got there, they'd be all like "Oh no! We will have to  find you another table!" and I'd be all like, "It's okay, don't worry guys, I'll just sit on Ryan's lap, problem solved." Also that way, if  Ryan turned out to be a particularly dull conversationalist, whenever he started to speak I would delicately place a single finger on his lips and say "Shhhh, sweetie, shhhhh."

Side note: I'm secretly deeply worried that Ryan Gosling is an idiot. I don't think he is, but the slight possibility is very concerning to me, because no matter how beautiful he is about three months into our relationship I'd just be very fed up with him all the time, and our conversations would start to sound like this:
 Me: "Ryan. It is so cold in here, I am freezing. In fact, if you notice, I am shivering like a delicate baby bird."
Ryan: "Baby, if you're a bird, I'm a bir-"
And no one wants that. 

Oh, and I'd also invite Kyle because that kid is my favourite, obviously.

So that's my fantasy brunch guest list, and I assume we'd all eat pancakes and bacon and drink mimosas, except for me, I would drink chocolate milk.

The End.