Monday, April 1, 2013

in which I offer more life advice for the barely-functional

I think technically today I don't quality as barely-functional, since I'm on my fifth episode of Grey's Anatomy and I have no plans of stopping soon. It's also four PM and I'm still in my jamjams because they are comfy and smell like laundry soap and I've given up on shame. Additionally I've found myself unable to form a coherent thought over the past three days that wasn't wildly offensive, so, there's that.

Here's a picture of a puppy being scratched on the head by my phantom hand. Alas I did not find this activity particularly rewarding, not sure if it's because a) I have no soul, or b) it's not a kitten.

But you know what they say, those who can't do, teach.

So here's another tip for the barely functional:

"Shathing," or as I prefer to call it, "Vesper Lynn-ing."

Baths have long been a happy pastime of the barely functional.

Let's stop this; baths are gross. Baths are essentially transforming yourself into a big tub of people stew, which is disgusting. Say no to baths.
However, I totally get the need to spend a lot of time immersed in hot water, and that standing up for a long time is really better suited to the fully functional.

Instead, let me present the following alternative:

See? Vesper Lynn-ing  
It's like everything you've ever wanted rolled into one! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF!
(You should, though. It's really better if you take your clothes off, because then you don't have to figure out what do with all the wet clothes. Bet you didn't even think of that, huh?)

Plus, if you stay in there long enough, someone might come along and give you a cuddle!

James Bond delivering on the awkward head cuddles. That's nice and all, but clearly what the girl needs is a full body cuddle that could more accurately described as "wearing a skin suit" than "a hug." But that's just my interpretation.
Equally effective after a bad case of murder-shock, ala our good friend Vesper, as it is after a bad day.
Plus, hygiene is absolutely a great step on the path to being a functional human being.  Bring some shampoo and a toothbrush in there with you and you've won half the battle already.

Mkay, well, I'm going back to the Grey's Anatomy now. Interns are secretly removing each other's organs. Those crazy kids!

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