Wednesday, January 22, 2014

What my OkCupid profile would look like were it not INUNDATED WITH LIES.

It would basically be this picture:

And let's be honest, #2 is being generous.

Disclaimer: If we share DNA, if we work together,  or you have ever dated me, you might want to stop reading

But first, a brief introduction as to why I have an OkCupid profile, and why it is now disabled:

Online dating makes a huge amount of sense if you want to actively date. I'm totally serious. I think in recent past there has been some stigmatization implying that online dating is for people who are not capable of finding people to date otherwise- I don't think this is the case. The world is full of lovely people you can hit on and subsequently court, marry, and reproduce with. However, that takes a certain amount of time and effort, and I am lazy and would rather be taking naps or eating sandwiches.
Furthermore, in order to meet people, the media has taught me that one must be in the right place at the right time, such as at work, in your local coffee shop, on the train, etc. etc.

For work I teach small children theater and sell diamond rings. Everyone I see is either an underage aspiring actor or looking to get engaged, and neither demographic really appeals to me romantically. 

As for the coffee shop idea, if I have not already received my beverage I am probably midway into a caffeine withdrawal rage spiral. If I have already received my beverage, I am fully focused on taking long drags from my cup between deep, shuddering breaths. Not really a situation conducive to flirting.

I do take public transit. I also read on the train. Sometimes people try and start conversations over this. It usually goes something like this:

Well-Meaning Boy: What are you reading?
Me: The Lonely Polygamist.
WMB: What's it about?
Me: A polygamist. Who is lonely. 
Me: *pointed glare*
WMB: Oh. 
Me: *silence*

So that has yet to result in any marriages. Shocking, I know. 

Let's see, where else... I do occasionally attend church-type things when I'm not working, but any time nice Mormon boys get friendly, I want to pet them gently on the face and say something mysterious along the lines of "Oh, honey...I'm no good for you." And then smile sadly. 
Also? Flirting at church is very tacky and probably annoys Jesus at least a little bit.  Just don't do it.

Basically what I'm saying is my personality is detrimental to reeling in the menfolk when that is not my primary focus, so okcupid seemed like the logical solution to meet lovely people with whom I could cultivate a variety of life-changing relationships. 

Okay, so that's partially a lie. 

What actually happened was I moved to SLC this summer with a heart full of hope and love and dreams and stuff, ready to date new people and have a myriad of adventures.
I also had a job that gave me maybe ten hours of work a week, so even with selling my body fluids for money I was barely making rent. I still had (and have)  the body of a tiger mauling victim, so stripping was out of the question (to the eternal relief of my father, I have no doubt.) Desperate times called for desperate measures.

So...I signed up for OkCupid. In the hopes that I would go on dates with wealthy people who would buy me food. 

TO BE CLEAR: This was a TERRIBLE idea and I am not proud of it. It also proved to be wildly ineffective because, as it would turn out, other people spending money on me in an attempt to curry my favour makes me incredibly uncomfortable. This also rules out my back-up plan in the sugar baby industry (again to the relief of my father, I am sure.)

Interesting sociological observation: Every boy I have told about this plan has reacted (understandably) in horror. Every girl I have told about this plan was either amused or impressed. Read into this as you will. 

But I digress!

So I did that for about a week until I could save up enough money to buy a case of ramen, which was nice. Shortly thereafter I got my teaching job, which was even nicer, because at that point my hair was starting to fall out again. 

However, I kept the dating profile because I really did want to date a lot of people. 

Fun fact about dating profiles: They are essentially a sales pitch accompanied by a few choice photographs.

Fun fact about me: I'm not exactly terrible at sales. 

And, okay, you don't exactly have to make an effort if you have the good luck of being a girl online. But my profile was a gem of succinct wit and charm bundled into an attractive package! Enough to pique the attention of an endless string of 26-year-old software engineers! It was glorious!

And today I disabled it. 

My reasons for doing so are twofold: 

1) It's the end of January. Historically speaking, I am a particularly insufferable bitch this time of year. And this is coming from the girl who glares at well meaning strangers on trains, and signs up for online dating with the intent of using people for food. And that was during the good part of the year. So, I think it's really in the best interest of civilization for me to politely bow out until spring. 
Plus I should really think about my life and my feelings and other things for a bit, probably. That's usually a good idea in my case. 

2) While everything on my profile is absolutely true, attempting to live up to the best, most witty parts of yourself is...tiring. Though "inundated with lies" is a major exaggeration, it's still not an accurate portrayal, really. 

This would be much closer to the truth:

My Self-Summary:
I am your average 22 year old white girl. Nay, I am the quintessential white girl. Every stereotype about white girls? Absolutely applies to me. I like my iphone and starbucks and brunch. Really, you could google "things that white girls like" and you'd pretty much have me covered. 

And yes, the self-loathing that comes with this knows no bounds.

 What I'm doing with my life:
Oh dear lord how I wish I knew. 

I'm really good at:
Baking Pies. Taking naps. Entertaining people with self-depreciating humor. Cuticle care. Hanging out with small children. I sing really, really loudly in the car- it does not sound good. The impressive part of the car singing is the volume. And maybe the enthusiasm. Honestly, it detracts from my driving abilities, which are lacking to begin with. If you date me, I will be overly vigilant in ensuring you are properly hydrated at all times- doubly so if you drink alcohol. I can swear in seven languages but I try and stick to English- it offends a larger audience. Given the opportunity I will try and rescue ALL OF THE STRAY CATS.  If it were legal I'd totally do the same thing for babies. Cats and babies, man. Cats and babies. My blind hems are pretty impressive. I know a lot of stuff about theater. I can walk for six hours without getting bored, assuming it's nice out. I can make a cheesecake in a country with no cream cheese- it involves doing unspeakable things to yoghurt and I don't want to talk about it. If you are sad or upset I will try my best to listen to you but I'm horrible at advice, so I will probably share some inappropriate jokes, procure you some food, and offer you the number of a good counselor. And then I will make you drink water. I give pretty good head scratches. I'm an okay kisser. I read really fast. Multiple people have commended me on my playlist making abilities. 

The first things people notice about me:
I'm a terrible first impression. And second impression. Third usually isn't great either. I'm really mean when you meet me- I do not have a warm and welcoming personality. I would be a terrible diplomat. 
The other day my home teacher- who I had never met- came to my house. I answered the door holding two bottles of alcohol and then sat in silence on the couch eating a burrito. This is pretty close to the standard procedure for when you show up at my house unannounced. I'm also really loud. I am, however, weirdly good at job interviews as of late.

Favourite books, movies, shows, food:
I read the memoirs of people I find hilarious, novels with interesting covers, instructional manuals on skills I wish to develop, and the occasional number written in a foreign language. 
I also read a lot of reddit but that's not a book. 
I watch an absurd amount of beautifully sad movies to make myself feel less alone. It works wonderfully. I highly recommend it. 
I watch entirely too much TV because I can't stand the quiet and dialogue is less emotionally involving than music. Sitcoms are awesome. I've seen the entire series of friends a million times- a couple of those viewings have been in french.  Weirdly this did nothing to improve my french. The only British TV show I could ever get into is the IT crowd. Orange is the new black was awesome. When I find myself asking what those wily Kardashians have been up to, I know it's time to seek medical help. 
The existence of delicious food I have yet to eat is always in my top five reasons not to kill myself. (I also think everyone should have a fallback list of reasons not to kill themselves, and I think food should be on every list.) I don't eat a lot- my quadrant of the fridge is comprised of primarily beverages and salad. Buying groceries and cooking for just one person usually results in a lot of it going to waste, so I've gotten really lazy, which is sad, because I do actually like to cook. Except for meat- I do not like to cook meat. I don't know how and it tends to make me really sad, because I start thinking about all the lovely cows I have known...unless I'm particularly anemic, in which case I'm just like STEAKKKK. I also really really like to eat, and will do so with reckless abandon when given the opportunity- particularly if cheesecake, sandwiches, burritos or pizza are involved. Basically I'm JLaw but people don't find me nearly as endearing.
Six things I could never do without:
1. The internet. Duh. 
2. A decent sized public library. Libraries are hallowed ground and I refuse to live anywhere that does not have one. It is also unlikely that I will ever let you accompany me to the library because it is my sacred happy place and should not be disturbed by people I don't love. Ugh. I love the library, guys. 
3. Grocery stores. I need to have access to grocery stores. Even if I can't afford food, I like to be able to visit food in it's place of origin because it is reassuring to me to see that it is still there. 
4. Chapstick. Never get caught without chapstick. 
5. Drinkable water. Also vitally important. 
6. Memory foam pillows. I can sleep essentially anywhere assuming I can bring my own pillow. I had to go like three months without it last year and I swear that's why I got sick- okay, not really, but still. It was miserable. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Traveling. What I'm going to eat next. How I look. If Amanda Bynes is really okay. If my family members are really okay. If we date I will spend a substantial amount of time thinking about whether or not you are okay. Food in general. Global affairs. How to explain difficult subjects to hypothetical future children.  If my hair is ever going to grow all the way back. Water.

On a typical Friday night I am:
With my friend John eating food that starts with a B and having deep important discussions about things that annoy us. This is a standing, high-priority date. I mean, we do reschedule occasionally, but mostly this is what my Friday nights are spent doing and it's lovely.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit:
I'm bipolar and scared of invisible monsters and I rap in the shower and freak out every six months thinking I have cancer. OH WAIT THAT'S ALREADY ALL OVER THE INTERNET. 

So on that note, if you're climbing all over yourself to date me I will be back on the market in March.

In the mean time, I'm going to make myself some ramen.

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