Thursday, December 6, 2012

in which ambien is turning sleep-me into a horrible person.

To be clear, ambien is still mana from heaven and keeps me sleeping through the night like a well-trained baby.
It's dreams are really weird. And violent. And kinda racist.

First of all, the fact that I'm having dreams at all is kind of an anomaly- usually people on ambien don't dream. They occasionally sleep-walk, sleep-eat, and sleep-set-things-on-fire, but they don't usually dream. I mean, given those options I'd pick horrible dreams anyways, I'm just's weird.

Second of all, I'm a nice person, I swear. These are not the kind of story lines I scheme up when I'm awake. Just....sleeping. And only recently.

This is basically how I wake up now.

Okay, so three days ago I woke up freaking out because "the gays ate my baby" which is probably the most horrible sentence I have ever typed. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST HOMOSEXUALS.  Several of my absolute favourite people are gay. Even though I occasionally say wildly awkward things to them, we're all pretty tight as a general rule. Furthermore, no one I actually know was in this dream.
Anyways, I dreamed I was living in a house with my baby, Rachel, who had glorious flowing red hair and looked adorable in a little wool coat and beret, and a gay body builder named Mike. Also, while I have nothing against gay individuals, it should probably be said that body builders freak me the hell out. Like, why on earth would you want to make yourself look that creepy. I don't even comprehend. Anyways, then Mike the gay body builder kidnapped Rachel and took her to his gay body builder cannibalistic cult, who had a giant cauldron of water which they danced around ceremoniously, as cannibalistic body builder cults are no doubt wont to do. And then they ate my baby. It was horrible.

The next night I dreamed I was in some sort of hunger games/gladiator fight, where the prize for winning was a new iphone. It should be noted that I have a perfectly functioning iphone, which I knew in the dream, I just had to have a new one. Dream me is a materialistic bastard. More so than conscious me, that is. Oh, and the arena was filled with the family and friends of the apple workers who committed suicide. So. Hordes of angry asians, basically. And then I rode into the arena on the back of a lion (which was awesome!) and bludgeoned everyone to death with my old iphone (which was NOT awesome.) At least I won? I guess? HOPE THAT NEW PHONE IS WORTH IT, YOU MURDEROUS HAG.

Last night, however, was particularly violent. First of all, my best friend in the world called me at three in the morning, in real life. I didn't pick up because it was three in the morning and I was too sleepy and stuff. I'm still not actually sure why he called then? (It was not an emergency though, because he left a voicemail saying as much.) So then I went back to sleep. And dreamed that I was trying to teach him a lesson for calling so late. By murdering him WITH AN AXE. Like IN THE SHINING. It was HORRIBLE.

So...yeah. I'm a terrible person when I'm asleep.
Love me anyways?



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