in which I give the gift of cookies

For many of us, this week is finals week.
What this means for me is that I'm splitting my time into 1 part studying and approx. 8 parts hating myself.
Next week I'll spend registering and unregistering for classes while weeping uncontrollably.

College, holla!

So today I'd like to talk to you all concerning the ultimate comfort food, too often neglected this time of year, frequently replaced by horrible grocery-store replacements.

Friends, I'm talking about the chocolate chip cookie.

I had five of these for breakfast.

GOOD MORNING, I AM EATING MY FEELINGS.

There is an odd phenomena I have noticed among my food-eating fellow humans. Everyone believes that they have the best recipe and method for cooking 1) a steak and 2) chocolate chip cookies. 

Now, I'm not saying my pan seared in garlic butter steak is the best. It's pretty good, but I'll allow for the possibility that you can make one better. 

However, I've been making these cookies since I was six. They are the best. There is no doubt in my mind. And I have eaten a LOT of cookies over the years. 

They are always chewy. They have like, this slight carmel-y thing going on. Also, chocolate. 

If you're wondering why I haven't made these for you personally over the years, the answer is because I'm lazy. But now, as I grow old, I am once again awakening my cooking skills in the hopes to add another charm to my trophy wife bracelet. To be clear, I do not actually own a trophy wife charm bracelet, nor am I sure that such a thing exists, but now I totally want one. I'd use it to seduce men, probs. 

Anyways, because it's Christmas, because I love you, and because there's no way I'm the only one who needs to drown her sorrows in calories right now, here is the recipe. 

I've doubled it, and doubled it makes about three dozen cookies the size of your head. If you think you need less than three dozen head-sized cookies, it may be time for us to re-evaluate our friendship. 

THE BEST CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES OF ALL TIME FOREVER.

FOR. EV. ER. 

ingredients:

2 cups butter

2 cups white sugar

2 cups brown sugar

1 tbs vanilla

4 eggs

4 1/2 cups flour

1 tsp salt

2 tsp baking soda

2 bags (24 oz) chocolate chips- usually I'm all like, MILK CHOCOLATE BIZNATCHES, but these are so sweet you probably want to go with semi sweet, or even dark chocolate.  Your call, though. I trust you guys. 

directions:

Okay, first you should put on your june cleaver  apron equivalent to protect your clothes and make you feel like a lady. If you're a dude, you should do the man version of this. I still haven't made my  mind up as to what that is, but it is not taking your shirt off. Friends, just say no to topless oven work. The scars of the second degree burns on my stomach agree with me. So I'm thinking the manly version may be a tool belt looking contraption, but again, it's really your call.

Next, put your butter in a larger-sized saucepan and melt it. As soon as it shows signs of browning, throw in all of your sugar. Feel like Paula Deen. Stir. Remove the pan from the heat and set aside. 

In a small bowl, combine your eggs and vanilla, then whisk them together.  Set aside. 

In a big bowl, combine all of your dry ingredients, stir. 

By this time your butter sugar concoction should have cooled some. You're probably already eating it with a spoon. Stop doing that. It gets better, I promise.  Go ahead and throw your eggs/vanilla business in there, mix that in as well as you can. 

Now you can add your sugary goodness concoction to your flour. Stir it up. Stop eating it with your fingers, you won't have enough for your cookies. Add in your chocolate chips. Eat a little more of it with your fingers. 

At this point, you're supposed to put it in the fridge for an hour so it can harden up a little. I don't have that kind of patience, so I say chuck it in the freezer for the duration of a How I Met Your Mother episode  and pre-heat your oven to 375. 

Then you go ahead and plop your cookies onto an UN-GREASED sheet. I use a melon baller because, again, I like mine-head sized, but it's up to you. In theory you cook them for ten minutes, but if you have a janky third world oven/ obscenely large cookies, it may end up being more like fifteen. Basically, the moment you can scrape them off the pan with a spatula in one piece, they are done. 

Finally, eat the cookies until you feel better about your life or throw up. Whichever comes first, really. 

aaaaand you're done!

YOU ARE WELCOME, PEOPLE OF THE INTERNET.